For Chachaji

Written on 12th November 2010

I lost my uncle today. When I got the news I was at home with D. H was travelling and out of reach. I couldn't tell my sister as she is expecting her baby anytime and I didn't want to upset her. It was Friday night so I did not want to disturb my friends here.

And in this beautiful big house thousand of miles away from my family with all the modern means of communication - laptops, phone lines, ipad, iphone, broadband internet...I felt alone and incredibly sad. What is the point of it all? Your family has nurtured you and you are not even there when they need you.

I met Chachaji earlier this year for a very short time. I was leaving just as he reached. He looked so old and frail. I wept so much looking at him. He held my face in his hands and gave me a kiss. And I cried. I thought the tears were for him but they were really for my childhood. In his eyes I was still a little girl. With his passing, I have lost a piece of my childhood.

Rest in peace Chachaji. Thank you for everything.

Loss

Thinking about loss today. What it does to us? Do we grieve for who is gone or do we grieve for ourselves? Or do we grieve for the pain our loved ones are feeling? Can one ever get over a loss?

When you lose it

Two days ago D got her pre-school booster shot. We were dreading it, fearing defeaning howls in the surgery. So we did what every sensible parent does, we prepared to bribe her with nothing less than lollipop and candies. H scheduled his day to be with her (I know!!!). Once in the nurse's room, he got his blabkberry out to engage her with photos and looked up to see that the shot had been given before anyone in the room except the nurse knew it. Not a single tear or even a whimper! D does not know even now that she got a 'jection'.

Anyways, that was not the point of this post. I wanted to put down something down here that D could dig into everytime she felt unsure about herself. There will be times when she feels she is not good, not clever etc etc. But she will always have this post to remind her of what she is capable of.

After we came out of the surgery, D started eating her lollipop that H had given her. nurse's room. D is not too big on chocolates but she is absolutely crazy about lollipops. It can get us out of any mess. We went to the park nearby to meet her friends. As we entered the park, I told D to throw the lollipop on the bin. She obviously refused. She had just started on it. Then I explained that when other children see her eating lollipop they will start crying as they don't have any. She immediately took her hand to the bin, thought for a second and dropped the lollipop into the bin. Just like that.

I was speechless. At the back of my mind I knew that she would throw it but I was prepared for refusal. This child loves lollipops with a passion but the compassion in her heart overrode everything. I was deeply humbled and my heart ached for her. God bless you my child and may He give you a lot of strength to accompany the compassion.

And I am dead

I pick D up from the nursery. She asks to go shopping and I need to do some shopping. Serendipity. She is in a happy happy mood. She heads home on her scooter with me lumbering behind her. She reaches home and turns back and gives me a radiant smile. My heart melts as I beam at her. She says, "I reached and you did not reach. You are dead."

Heartbeat

One, two, thwee...so you go bringing a smile that reaches our souls. Happy third birthday our light. I probably hug and tell you twenty times a day how much I love you but I never thank you.
Thank you my child for gracing our lives with your beauty, gentleness and joy. When I speak sharply to you your face falls and you try to come close to me and touch me. Today I screamed at you and you began to cry. When I did not respond you said, "I want to give you a hug, Mama." As we hugged you said, "I will not do it again." and my heart broke! You are only three sweetheart, you are supposed to throw tantrums not cuddle my anger away.

Thank you for teaching me to breathe deeply. Life is so busy and I often feel out of control trying to cram as much as possible in a day. Everything I do is in sharp contrast to our 10 minute walk to/from nursery. You teach me to slow down and smile, to look around and breathe a little easy. We make silly rhymes, say 'bad man' for every piece of litter
we see on the way and I try to answer your " what I do today?" as imaginatively as possible. You need company all the time. You would probably not need a single toy if we had enough people around.

Thank you my jaan for your bright smile, twinkling eyes, your healing touch and the spring in your steps. Thank you for the stories you make up always beginning with "once upon a time..." they always bring a smile. Thank you for being a big girl and "not a baby" as you love to say with your face all scrunched. We loved you crazily when you were a baby and are even more smitten with the "big girl" that you are becoming. You are our pride, our joy, our heartbeat. Happy Birthday Beautiful! May you live a long joyful adventurous and fearless life!
Your Papa and Mama

Bad start to a day

Its not a good idea to read the news in the mornings. Not when you read things like this. I felt a stab in my heart as I read that this baby was also born in January 2007, like D. Their closeness in age brought home the baby's (Baby H) pain to me. I remembered how delicate D felt when she was a few weeks old, how everyone would touch her as tenderly as possible. Baby H had her body pushed forcibly into clothes at that age. How she must have cried! 

My eyes are smarting with tears. We human beings are so cruel. But how could they do this to a baby, a tiny frail little thing. How could they?

Two days ago I had commented on TMM's blog that motherhood builds character. Now I am not too sure.

Red Nose Day

And I had no idea that such a day existed. D was asked to come to nursery in all red to mark the day and we were asked to donate one pound. Intrigued, I turned to internet and learnt that it is a day where funds are raised through comedy (mainly) to support many charities across the world. Comic Relief, as you may say. You can find out more about it here.

The concept brings a smile to my face.