Heartbeat

One, two, thwee...so you go bringing a smile that reaches our souls. Happy third birthday our light. I probably hug and tell you twenty times a day how much I love you but I never thank you.
Thank you my child for gracing our lives with your beauty, gentleness and joy. When I speak sharply to you your face falls and you try to come close to me and touch me. Today I screamed at you and you began to cry. When I did not respond you said, "I want to give you a hug, Mama." As we hugged you said, "I will not do it again." and my heart broke! You are only three sweetheart, you are supposed to throw tantrums not cuddle my anger away.

Thank you for teaching me to breathe deeply. Life is so busy and I often feel out of control trying to cram as much as possible in a day. Everything I do is in sharp contrast to our 10 minute walk to/from nursery. You teach me to slow down and smile, to look around and breathe a little easy. We make silly rhymes, say 'bad man' for every piece of litter
we see on the way and I try to answer your " what I do today?" as imaginatively as possible. You need company all the time. You would probably not need a single toy if we had enough people around.

Thank you my jaan for your bright smile, twinkling eyes, your healing touch and the spring in your steps. Thank you for the stories you make up always beginning with "once upon a time..." they always bring a smile. Thank you for being a big girl and "not a baby" as you love to say with your face all scrunched. We loved you crazily when you were a baby and are even more smitten with the "big girl" that you are becoming. You are our pride, our joy, our heartbeat. Happy Birthday Beautiful! May you live a long joyful adventurous and fearless life!
Your Papa and Mama

Bad start to a day

Its not a good idea to read the news in the mornings. Not when you read things like this. I felt a stab in my heart as I read that this baby was also born in January 2007, like D. Their closeness in age brought home the baby's (Baby H) pain to me. I remembered how delicate D felt when she was a few weeks old, how everyone would touch her as tenderly as possible. Baby H had her body pushed forcibly into clothes at that age. How she must have cried! 

My eyes are smarting with tears. We human beings are so cruel. But how could they do this to a baby, a tiny frail little thing. How could they?

Two days ago I had commented on TMM's blog that motherhood builds character. Now I am not too sure.

Red Nose Day

And I had no idea that such a day existed. D was asked to come to nursery in all red to mark the day and we were asked to donate one pound. Intrigued, I turned to internet and learnt that it is a day where funds are raised through comedy (mainly) to support many charities across the world. Comic Relief, as you may say. You can find out more about it here.

The concept brings a smile to my face.

Its a beautiful life

My Darling D,

In 5 days you turn 2 years old and I have not even completed a sentence before my eyes well up. I write to celebrate your birthday, to express gratitude for having you in my life, to tell you how meaningless you have rendered my words. Nothing I had read or heard or seen had prepared me for this onslaught of intense, animal like feelings I have for you. So, I know my words will do absolutely no justice to what I want to say.

Remember, I wrote in your diary, when I looked at you for the first time I thought you had the perfect face. Every single day for the past 2 years I have felt the same. You are the most beautiful person in the world, with eyes that twinkle and express and have complete conversations. And a nose that you think is a horn to press and say 'beep beep'. And lips that are shaped as if drawn on picture. And a chin that you just won't let me touch, screaming 'chin nahin, chin nahin'. 

There is nothing in the world that compares to your soft little hands stroking my hair and saying, 'cootie pie mamma' or your still body suddenly move to shower me with kisses as we lie down for the night. Every 'I love you' has to be answered with, 'lub you', every hug has to be reciprocated with a tighter one. I thought you were supposed to be terrible at two. If this is terrible, then I love terrible.

I admit I lose my temper with you screaming for 'bikit' fifty times in a day or you refusing to go to bed....ever. But you read my mood very well and know when to throw a big tantrum and when to stop in a minute. When I am stern, you grin and keep grinning till you get a smile. When all else fails, you ask for Papa as you have him wrapped around your finger....for life I think.

You love being with people but take your time getting comfortable. After I have said bye to you in the nursery, I peep inside and see you standing and observing everyone for a long time before you move towards any activity. You are learning to talk in English at the nursery and your accent is cute. You can communicate in Hindi, today I heard you speaking to your nursery nurse in Hindi , 'guv (gloves) kahan?' 

There are many things you can or cannot do. That is not important. What is important is that you grow up with the same surety of love that you feel from people around you now. I hope that the love and deep affection that you have received from so many people - your grandparents, aunt, uncle, even neighbours - helps make you strong, confident and sensitive. They say, you can tell a person's personality very early in life. If so, you are going to rock my baby. You are and will be a fine person - loving, intelligent and funny. A lover of music, dancing, books, and how can I forget....food; we look forward to great times with you.

Its a beautiful life my darling.

Mamma

The year that was

I am listening to H telling a friend on the phone that the year was great. I agree. We have had a busy year, with the move to London, a wedding in the family, and all the travel we have done. When I look back at the year, I feel that this has also been a year when many things have come together for us. D has consumed most of my time and mindspace this year. From a quiet no-fuss one-year old she transformed into a demanding toddler who is already giving me nightmares about her teenage years. But what a joy! Pure joy to see her grow into a loving, spirited, funny person.

The trip to India was great. It was one of those trips which have left me with a treasure-box of memories. My bro-in-law got married and what a party! It was one big dance-party. We had a great time. The entire extended family got a chance to spend time together and it was fun. D got a little hassled with all the crowd and lack of attention. She was too young to enjoy it I think.

We also had a sisters reunioun at my parents home. It was almost after ten years or so that we got a chance to really be together other than for weddings. We did nothing but chat, eat, chat and eat some more...It was a blissful time. This is the pull of the childhood home and siblings. There is no other place that can make you feel so at peace. D had a chance to spend time with her cousins and she loved being with them especially with A who is just 2 days older than her.

Heres wishing you a great 2009!

Home Beckons

We are off to India in two days. I am so looking forward to it. I never realized how much I missed being in India until the days to go home drew near. The thought of meeting my family and feeling the comfort and warmth that only being with them can bring, is making my heart smile. There is lots to look forward to. A wedding, festivals and weather which doesn't make me check the temperature every time we step out.

I am terribly excited for D too. She is going to be spend time with people who think she is the most precious thing. Moreover, she is going meet her cousins. She is going to have a ball and return thoroughly pampered and spoilt.

Stepping beyond

We knew we would put D in a nursery setup soon. Living by ourselves, without the benefit of an army of cousins for D to interact with, we thought it would be good for her. The added benefit being a slow introduction to life with Mama out of sight for a few hours. Moving to London just made that decision easier. First the quality of nurseries here is quite good and very actively regulated. Moreover, with no help to manage the house, there was no way I could entertain her as much as she wanted me to.

A month after we moved to London, I found out about the various nurseries in the area, mainly over the internet. I had begun taking D to story-telling sessions in the local library as soon as we moved here. I got a few tips from mothers there. I shortlisted a few and began visiting them one by one with D in tow. I also considered home-based care (Known as child-minders in UK) where a much smaller number of children (maximum 8, generally 4-5) are looked after by a carer at her home. 

After much thought and discussion with H we opted with a new nursery a bit far off (about 2 kms) from our house. A few things I looked for as I visited the nurseries

• Did the kids look happy? Did D look happy?
  
• Did the employees look happy?
  
• Was it clean?
  
• Were they flexible enough to feed or rock the children if needed?
  
• How committed was the manager? How did D react to her? Did I feel comfortable with her? Are the adults in charge paying attention to D or only interested in talking to me?
  
• Did the nursery offer half-day session? Many established ones only offered full-day care.
  
• Were there enough checks and balances to see that kids would be well looked after. Child-minders were out due to this reason. With only one adult in the house, you never know what goes on. Taking care of children is exasperating. Sometimes I feel like giving D one tight one. It takes all my willpower not to act on this feeling. Also as I feel this, I look at her beautiful face and my heart melts.

In the end we opted for the present nursery as it had fewer children so we hoped D would get more attention and would feel less overwhelmed. It also mattered to us that the person who had set this nursery up was herself managing it. It wasn't a job for her. It was her passion. Having worked in an entrepreneurial setup, I know what a big difference that makes.

D was taking to each place we visited extremely well. She would refuse to return from these visits. When we began the settling in process at her present nursery (lets call it W) I stayed with her for an hour on the first day. She went headlong into playing with the toys and other kids. I sat there watching her and feeling so proud. She is such a confident child. It truly is a pleasure watching her interact with the world as if it was made to order for her. Anyways, she paid no attention to me there. The next day I sat in the room for half an hour and then said bye to her and left. She looked at me as if to say 'Don't disturb me'. I sat in a cafe close to her nursery, and I was so nervous, I could not read beyond two sentences of the book I was trying to read. I had never left her like this except with family, who D knows and loves. In the end I gave up and returned earlier than in I needed. I found her happily playing. Whew! What a relief. She had been happily playing all the while. The next day I left her there for a longer time so that she could have lunch with all the kids. I returned to find her eyes and nose red. She saw me and started sobbing. Apparently, one of the kids had been howling his lungs out throughout (he still was when I returned). D had been happily playing for an hour and a half. Then the howling got to her and she started crying.

Once we were out of the nursery, she wanted to return. Whenever we asked her at home if she wanted to go to the nursery, she would nod her head vigorously. But once we reached there she would cling and start crying "Mama, mama." Seeing her cry like that was like a little stab in the heart. I would hang around outside the door to see if she stopped crying. She always did in 2-3 minutes and then would be fine afterwards. When I returned to take her home, she would give a little sob and put her lips. 

After the first few days, H started dropping her. After 2-3 days, she stopped crying. We were ecstatic, but I think the adults she was getting used to in her room went on holiday and that upset her. So the crying began again. She would only cry when H dropped her. Her nursery nurses said that she would be absolutely fine in a few minutes. But her crying really upset me. Everytime H called to say that she howled 'Mama, mama' when he left her, my heart would sink and I wouldn't be able to do anything and run off to collect her earlier than required.

Anyways, ultimately the crying stopped. I think it took 8 days for the crying to stop completely. I think it would have stopped much earlier had she been going for more days per week (she was doing 2 mornings a week), and if there had been no changes in the adults in-charge in her room. Just before she stopped crying, I had spent a lot of time the previous evening talking to her about the nursery and explaining the whole process of Papa dropping her, and how she should say bye and blow kisses and then go off to hug her friends and play in the water tray. I also told her that I would come and bring her home after she had eaten her lunch. I repeated the same thing as I got her ready in the morning. It worked like magic! Maybe I just told her all this when she was ready to stop crying anyways. Whatever it is, it is such a relief to see her so happy in the nursery. She is raring to go everyday and doesn't like it when H leaves for office without taking her to the nursery. When I bring her back home, she is happily singing and talking to herself. It gives me the much needed break to get other things done, so that on days that she doesn't go to nursery I can just sit with her at the window and hear her point to 'boughoy' (boy), geel (girl) and beeya (bhaiya)!